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The Day I Lost Myself

June 26, 2016

The day I lost myself is the day I’ve forgotten about me
My hobbies…My needs…my life remained busy
Each day I have been roaming freely
Not really realizing what is important to Me.

The day I lost myself is the day I’ve forgotten how to write
Everyday I lived the way I wanted to and thought it’s all right
As I purposely ignored my passion, I realized I have come into a plight
I’ve forgotten about grammar, tenses; thoughts are always in flight.

The day I lost myself is the day I’ve forgotten to read
I’ve been busy with the daily goings on and taking the lead
My days blurred, my experiences shallow, I’ve forgotten what I need
I focused so much on inconsequential things, oh what a greed!

The day I lost myself is the day I’ve realized I changed
This is not me. I used to be the girl who reads, who writes, who creates
This is a war within me that I unknowingly waged
The old me now berates.

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Hello, World!

April 10, 2016

Hello, World! – God, I missed this line. If you, by any chance, studied programming, this phrase is quite common to you as this will be the first text code you’re gonna write.

As it is in the world of IT, I am quoting that text again…HELLO, WORLD! I, once again, am online. Not because I want to share my deepest thoughts and/or pour out my emotions. But simply because I am just wide awake at 3AM in this side of the planet. I’ve re-read my post and somehow find it a bit serious. So, on a lighter note – I snipped one blogging challenge to help me get back to what I love (apart from movies, music and books) – writing!

Here goes my second (first) entry in this blogging challenge. LOL!

Day 1 (again): Post 20 Facts About Yourself

  1. I struggle in giving out commands to people older than me. Simply because I find myself not having the authority to do so. Not because I am not entitled but I don’t know…maybe because I think they are older and they stayed longer in the company (?) I am learning though.
  2. I am a firm believer of the most used advice: things will get better in time. Nothing in this world is permanent – life is a constant change. So I don’t get it when people sulk and be bitter for a loooooong period of time. Hey, things get better, cheer up! 🙂
  3. I am not the most religious person on earth but I do have faith. You may not see me in church as required or see me reading the bible, but that doesn’t mean I don’t fear God. I am the type who believes that I do not have to be in church every single time to prove that I have a religion. I am more of: I show my faith to the Lord silently.
  4. I care less about your politics and yes, your religion. I don’t care if you’re an atheist, a Muslim, a devout Christian, a democrat, a republican, etc. As long as we get along pretty fine and we respect each other’s beliefs than I’m good with that. We don’t have to be the same all the time.
  5. I keep a small circle of friends. I have many acquaintances but I always go back to my circle.
  6. Time is precious to me. So, when I spend time with you, most often than not, that is because you matter to me. I could drop everything and spend time with a friend no matter how late it is (online or offline).
  7. Being a reader and a once-writer, I have difficulty in expressing my emotions and thoughts orally. I can join in on a topic and discuss it with you but when it comes to unbearing Me – well, that’s another story. People find me talkative but if you know me better, I usually just write everything down.
  8. I don’t think I am workaholic (as what others think I am). I always find time to balance things out. I do shut down and be off the grid most of the time and I do forget about work everytime I clocked out of the office. But when there’s something that needs to be done or be submitted, that’s another story. See, a workaholic works even if there’s nothing to really work on. I, for one, only works and burns the candle at both ends as needed.
  9. I am picky – in food, music, books and movies. Some say I am high maintenance but I dare say I am not. It just so happens that I know exactly what I want and I will be having it. So why am I not high maintenance despite of being picky? It’s because I do not expect you to do it for me. I will do it on my own.
  10. Darn, this challenge is difficult. What else? I guess I am selfish? Selfish in a way that I don’t really care about your opinion on a certain hype and most of the time, I also rarely share a piece of my pie to a bandwagon. I usually tune you out and think of other trivial things than listen to your politics, your religion or your say on the latest local celebrity tandem.
  11. I love spending time alone – Me time! I can enjoy a cup of coffee, a hearty meal, buy a good merchandise and watch a good movie…alone. Not because I am a loner (because I’m not), but because I love the liberation it gives! I discover a lot about me. 🙂
  12. And oh, I love people watching and creating a story inside my head. Or sometimes just wonder how their day is going. I space out sometimes while observing people.
  13. I once dreamt of becoming a writer but reality check: I am too occupied with other stuff that writing has become a silent outlet that I just uncover as I feel like it.
  14. Living alone taught me a lot of things: house chores, budgetting, groceries and ultimately: living independently! I guess finally being financially independent (from my parents) and proving to them that I can make it despite of the challenges of looking after myself…is one of my greatest achievement. lol
  15. During my lazy days, I happily let the sands of time flow smoothly by reading a good book, watching movies and/or spacing out while listening to music spanning from the 60s to the modern ones; from soul to rnb to rock to pop to whatever I feel like listening.
  16. I was once given a privelege to teach programming to a bunch of college students. And until today, I still wonder if I’ve taught them properly because I am well aware that I am not good in explaining things. I would rather let you figure things out.
  17. During my college days, I’ve already mapped what my career should be…coding! coding! coding! That’s all I’ve ever wanted to do – be a programmer in a good company. Yet, lo and behold, ever since I’ve graduated, the nearest thing I’ve got to programming was teaching them how to do it for a semester! Being part of the project management and/or an analyst was never part of my plan. I hated it when I was in college. But, life really knows how to put a good joke on me – here I am engulfed in the Program Management world. LOL! No regrets though 🙂
  18. I realized that the only thing that makes me quit is when I will come to a realization that it doesn’t serve it’s purpose anymore. Or when things don’t interest me anymore and I’m bored out. To me, no matter how difficult a situation is, as long as my interest is still there – I am definitely in!
  19. Ever since I was a kid, I always function better at night. My mind works efficiently at night. The things that take me long hours during the day, I can actually finish it at a remarkable shorter duration at night. I usually write during the wee hours of dawn or late nights too! And I figured, cramming works for me! I love to cram because that’s when my brain functions well and I can think quick! Maybe that’s the reason why I usually cram and study late night and dawn for my exams (or nah, I’m just good in procrastinating!)
  20. LASTLY, I love my life so much that I actually do not like to be sad and/or depressed. Whenever I find myself in that situation, I always try my best to move on quickly so I can enjoy and be happy most of the time. Life is so wonderful don’t waste it in a negative way 🙂

There you go! Finally able to finish this and update my blog after so many months!

When Everything Feels Like A Joke

September 3, 2015

hope1There are times when everything seems to be so fake. It reaches to a point where no matter how hard you try to make sense of everything, life just stares right back at you, taunting you, smiling at you and all you want to do is smack it.

Times when you’ve caught yourself in a limbo; where the relationship is hot and cold. Where you actually do not know where it’s heading but then a tiny voice whispers to just follow where it leads and wait what happens next. And so you believe. You listen to that tiny voice with a matching glitter of hope in your eyes that someday everything will be over. That someday everything will be alright and you won’t go to sleep wondering if you’ve made the right decision.

Every night you wonder, you hope, you dream that what you’re going through is just a nightmare and one day you’re going to wake up and catch life laughing and telling you everything was just a joke. But while you’re so caught up in relishing the thought that everything is a joke, reality starts creeping in reminding you that life doesn’t joke. So you start pondering again.

In the end, you feel so small. No matter how strong you’ve become, at the end of the day you still feel so weak. You feel so alone though you’re surrounded with friends, you have a good career, you have your family; still it feels so empty.

But then again, no matter how small, how alone or how empty you feel, always (i mean always) believe in the promise of tomorrow. One day (may not be today), as cliche as it may sound, everything will be alright. One day everything will make sense and when that day comes, I wish you could look at the past smiling, laughing and take pride on yourself for having been able to overcome the nightmare per se. Good luck! 🙂

Happy Birthday, Senior Cit! :)

April 14, 2014

There is this one person who once told me that money isn’t everything; what matters in life is happiness.

IMG01463-20060320-1912This same person is the guy who opened me to the world of books. As old as I am now, I still cannot forget my younger years where I used to borrow story books from the library and have him read it to me until I fell asleep. If there weren’t any children’s story book around, he would borrow my brother’s books. Yes, from a young age, someone already read Ibong Adarna and Florante at Laura to me. I knew the story way before I’ve reached high school.

This same person is the guy who also taught me to enjoy answering puzzles. If there’s something that I have noticed in him, it’s that he loves doing puzzles. When I was a child, we would answer crossword puzzles together. I remember, if there’s a word I do not know, I’d ask him to supply the answer for me and if he can’t answer too, he’d open the thesaurus and look the word up for me. We’d search the words together and answer the crossword as much as we can.IMG01590-20060320-2030

This same person is the guy who I can call as my playmate. We would play hide and seek, piggy back riding, scrabble, tag you’re it, finger catching or simply tickling until we or I will have difficulty in catching our breath.

A lot of people think this guy is difficult to be with as he easily gets mad at little things and is usually silent. As a person who lived with him for years, yes, I can say that there are times that he’s a bit difficult to deal with but if you know him better, he is actually loving. He is usually silent but he is easy to laugh and talk with. He may get angry easily over petty things but the irony comes when bigger problems arise. Instead of getting angry, he usually is the first one to understand and forgive. You will never hear insulting words from him nor will he lay a hand on you. In a greater sense of things, I consider him as a patient and forgiving man. He is patient and loving such that he never demanded us to be perfect. He accepted us for what and who we are. He patiently waited for us to realize we’re mistaken or if we never do, he would advise us in a gentle manner. Even though we never say sorry for our mistakes, he still understands, forgives and talk to us like nothing has happened. Because, yes, he is a person who doesn’t hold grudges. A lot of people misunderstands him but to me, he is the most loving and forgiving person I know.

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This guy I am referring to is none other than my father who also stood as my mother when she wasn’t around the house. My father who I could always and will never be afraid to joke around with, whenever I see fit. My father who has been proud of what we, his children, have become. My father who accepts us for who we are. My father who have always loved us despite our flaws and shortcomings. My father who have always understood us even if I know there are countless of times that we have failed and hurt him.

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Pa,

I know I am not living in our home anymore and when I am home, I know I am more outside than I am inside the house. But I want you to know that even though I am away, I have and will always treasure our times together. I will never forget those times that you used to drive me to school or work and when I say I’ll be late, you would always find a way for me to arrive on time (if you were a racer, you would win; I guess!) I will forever cherish those moments when we would talk about nothing in particular or the way I throw jokes at you and you would just laugh it off though sometimes the subject of the joke is you. Those moments that you have remained calm despite the problems. Those moments that you hug me whenever you feel or I feel like it. Those moments when I know you’re proud of me. The little things you do for our family, I highly appreciate them. Especially those times when we didn’t have any house help and mama wasn’t around, you stood up and did the chores with us. I could still remember you trying your best effort to wake up early in the morning so you could cook for us without any complaints. Thank you, Pa.

Also, I am sorry for those times that I may have hurt or disappoint you. I know I was/am also difficult to raise as I am quite a little rebel myself. I am sorry for those times that I did not listen to you. Those times that I have taken you for granted. Those times where I have misunderstood you especially at the peak of my teen years. I am really sorry. I hope it is still not too late to somehow make it up to you in my own little ways.

Again, thank you, Pa for always understanding me. Thank you for your love and for always giving your best effort to provide us for what we need. Thank you for letting me know who you are despite everything. Please note that in turn, I also love you for who you are and who you are not. I really appreciate the little and big things that you do for us. Thank you and Happy 63rd Birthday, Pa! I love you! 🙂

Lots of love from your eldest “little” daughter 🙂

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PS

I know this came in late as work got in the way for me. It’s 11PM already and you’re probably drunk at your party right now. But still I am wishing that you had a blast and may this new year that God granted you be more happier than the last. May God bless you with good health and more blessings.

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Happy birthday to our wanderlust/golfer! hehe! 😛

Here’s To The Guy…

March 19, 2014

For the last six years you have been my friend, my enemy and my lover all rolled into one. You’ve been a witness of my imperfections, my shortcomings, my fears and my battles in life. You have been the sole receiver of my frustrations, my stresses, my anger and my tears when I’m in the brink of giving up.

I am the kind of person who is more mean than good. Who never takes no for an answer to the things that I want. Who is so hot headed and sarcastic when I am not in the mood. Who easily gets jealous on girls I don’t know as I am not used to you having close girl friends. Who have an attitude almost similar to a bipolar person. Who turns into a Cruela Deville when I’m mad.

I am the person who have so many flaws and is far from being the ideal and perfect girl friend. BUT you stayed. You patiently waited for me to calm down and change for the better. You never shy away in correcting me and pinpointing my mistakes. You accepted my imperfect me and loved me.

For the last six years, you’re by my side. You’re there to take care of me when I’m so fragile and sick. You’ve become one of my pillars who keeps me standing even when I already want to breakdown. You’ve become one of the best parts of me.

To the guy whose feelings never faltered; who still loved me even at my worst and loved me more at my best. For the memories and the love, Thank You! 🙂

Haler, Baler 2013!

February 26, 2014

Last year, I had a goal to visit three new places in Luzon and one of the places I’ve had the opportunity to visit last November was the beautiful town of Baler, Aurora. My friends and I were charmed with the simplicity of life there as well as the undeniable fact that it houses great waves for Surfing (especially around September-February). Yes, my first ever surfing experience was in Baler.

Baler is located northeast of Manila and can be accessible via buses. Since not one of us owns a vehicle, we departed Manila via Joy Bus (it’s a coach bus of Genesis Bus Lines) for a more comfortable way of traveling. Visiting Baler doesn’t only let you frolic under the sun and enjoy the waves but it also boasts quite a pack of history from Spanish Colonization to American.

When we decided to go to Baler, we really don’t have any plan in mind except to wander and try surfing. We’ve no accommodation, no itinerary and no idea at all on where to go except for Sabang Beach. When we arrived, there were many tricycle drivers around the bus terminal. From there, we headed to Sabang Beach and just scouted around the area for a place to stay in. The are quite a number of accommodations that are in reasonable prices and yes, budget-friendly!

For us, we stayed in a transient house where the owner was kind enough to let us rent the whole two-story house for around 3000 a night. The house is actually good for 10 people but it’s big enough to accommodate around 15. The owner of the transient house was so accommodating, she made us use her utensils, dealt with our surfing package as well as the tour around Baler. The surfing package costs around 350/hour with board usage and instructor while the tour around Baler was around 800-1000 per group of 3-4 persons.

For me, this visit was more like ticking two items off of my bucket list with one trip! =)

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A view of Baler from atop the Ermita hill

How the waves are early in the morning. This is outside the transient house we've stayed in.

How the waves were early in the morning. This was outside the transient house we’ve stayed in.

Surfing 101. Included in the 350/hour package.

Surfing 101. Included in the 350/hour package.

Our long boards. The sand may not be as great as La Union's but the waves are at par.

Our long boards. The sand may not be as great as La Union’s but the waves are at par.

Here's me finally been able to ride the waves after numerous tries. :)

Here’s me finally been able to ride the waves after numerous tries. 🙂

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Us inside the giant Balete Tree, which is a must-see when you're in Baler

Us inside the giant Balete Tree, which is a must-see when you’re in Baler

Us outside the giant Balete Tree

Us outside the largest Balete Tree in Asia which is at 600 years old

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Learning more about Baler

Another side of Baler where according to the guide, the waves can reach up to 9 feet tall

Another side of Baler where according to the guide, the waves can reach up to 9 feet tall

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The mini falls

The mini falls

If you're in for a trek, visit the Ditumabo (Mother) Falls

If you’re in for a trek, visit the Ditumabo (Mother) Falls

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The view while you’re trekking to the Ditumabo Falls

The gang with the Ditumabo (Mother Falls) at the back

The gang with the Ditumabo (Mother Falls) at the back

Though I hate long walks/trek, this one was worth it!

Though I hate long walks/trek, this one was worth it!

I don't just like Baler, I love it! If given a chance, I'd visit the place again with no second thoughts!

I don’t just like Baler, I love it! If given a chance, I’d visit the place again with no second thoughts!

In Summary: 2013

December 31, 2013

It’s that time of the year again where one (by choice, though) has to do a year-end review. So, here’s mine…

For the very first time in my life, I’ve spent my 25th birthday away from home. It was a liberating experience realizing that no matter how ordinary I’ve treated my day, there are still many things to be thankful for. It was a bit sad but then, though only a few celebrated with me at least I know they were honest and true when they’ve greeted and celebrated.

My mother, after three years, went home to be with the family. If I’m not mistaken, she’s here for about a month. It’s amazing how the years apart instantly seems like it was just yesterday when you start bonding again. The foregone years were immediately embraced with warmth; melting all the longings away. Truly, a wave of goodbye promises a new wave of hello in the future; see you again (hopefully) in 2014 mother and brothers!

I may have lost a friend(s) but God gave me new ones and I’m forever gratified with this. I’ve learned that friendship, just like any other relationship, is a two way street. It doesn’t always have to be one way where only the other party has benefited. I realized friendship is more about caring for the welfare of the other, money/freebies is not the driver, judging is something you don’t do and most importantly, friendship is about being there when no one else would. This 2013, I was blessed with the insight of knowing who my real friends are and who are just mere acquaintances.

Rekindled friendships are the best and I’m glad I’ve finally found the time to rekindle good old friendships. The rush to be ahead of your time and be succumbed in the rat race are not excuses to postpone meeting a friend. Make time for friends, you’ll be surprised at how therapeutic it is to sit down and talk in person rather than messaging them online. Understand that spending time with the people who matters to you is way cheaper than any spa in the world.

If you’re looking for a best friend, look through your family. They will always be your best friend. It is guaranteed that they will understand, they will always be by your side, they will never go and they will always love you no matter what.

Keeping and sustaining a relationship is all about compromise. If the other one falls short, don’t hesitate to fill in the gap. Pride will never do you any good. Just because it was the other person’s fault, doesn’t give you an excuse to be a jerk. Accept that your partner is a person who has shortcomings too. Never shy away from falling in love over and over with the same person again. Welcome the mushy feelings no matter how corny it is. Love and be loved.

I’ve also realized that hard work really does pay. It is a cliche but then it’s true, perseverance is really a key to success. If you do your best, if you never give up, rewards will surely be reaped in the end. The results may not be today, the present may be a blur but hang on and believe in the promise of tomorrow.

So far, my 2013 is A-OK. I have realized/learned a lot of things. I have known myself better than last year. For those fortune tellers who said this year luck is not in my favor, well, I guess I didn’t see my 2013 the way you’ve seen it. Luck is always around the corner (no matter how small it is)! With this, I bid 2013 adieu and I hope 2014 will be better than all the years I’ve spent.

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